It's not getting easier

Well with 37 days left until I leave the country, this weekend was one of the worst. I did nothing I had planned to do, I didnt go out at all and the one time I did go out, my bank card got swallowed by the ATM machine, and now with a month to go I have to get a new bank card and re-register for internet banking. Thank goodness for credit cards.

I have done a lot of thinking this weekend, I am going overseas, and everyone here is just going to carry on as normal. They have their groups of friends, when I leave, it's just me that is gone, they still have all their friends and support groups.... me.... I am going to no one and no groups of friends. There are times I wonder how I will survive.

Everytime I meet a new person or create or develop a friendship, there are times where I think, 'Why am I doing this?' when I know its just making it more difficult to say good bye, but then the other part of me thinks I should be making as many friends as possible because obviously the more people you have around you, the happier you'll be, not so?

I dont want to get close to anybody because I dread saying goodbye, yet I yearn for that closeness. Do I go out and enjoy the time I have left here, getting closer to people, or do I retract from people in order to save having to say an emotional good bye. I could be over thinking all this, but I'm just trying to look out for myself and I know I battle with saying good bye to people. I find it a bit difficult to accept that people ARE going to carry on without me, I WANT them to and its selfish for me to think they wont because I'm not here, but sometimes I just wish they would pay me the attention while I am still here.

This is tough, emigrating is so emotional, I wish I had someone here to help me through it, or at least go through it with me. I have now been on both sides of the equation, I have been the one who is staying behind when my best friend leaves, and wondering how I'm going to survive and now I'm the one leaving other best friends behind, and still wondering how I'm going to survive.

When are things going to start falling into place, when are my friends going to realise I'm actually leaving and want to spend time with me, or are they just going to fall by the way side and realise when it's too late.

This week is my last at work, there are only going to be 2 people I miss from work, and I am praying we stay in contact.

Let's hope this week is easy going and things fall into place and my last month here is full of joy and happiness and less worrying about other people, who don't seem to be worrying about me.

Peace out :)